Sunset Ritual

Yesterday was the end of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It ends with the sun setting just as it begins with the sun rising. Yesterday was pretty special. My episode on the Podcast Andy’s Mom was posted. If you haven’t heard it yet, you can find it here: https://andysmom.com/2019/10/31/episode-10-james-mom/

We recorded the episode just the day before and when I found out that Marcy would be posting it on Oct. 31st I was thrilled; it would be the perfect end to the month of reflection. I was nervous before recording but once we started chatting, Marcy made me feel so comfortable with her effortless hosting and listening skills. The response so far has been amazing, so please continue to share my episode and her podcast so that we can normalize the conversation about child loss. I felt so happy and light after we recorded and after the episode was posted as well. It feels so good to share James’ story with a wider audience and hope that we can make the tiniest difference for someone else.

Yesterday evening I was cooking dinner and waiting for the sun to set when I realized I didn’t have enough whipping cream. I had to run out to the store and feared I would miss the sunset. Luckily the convenience store down the street had just what I needed and as I got back into my car, a Queen song was playing on the radio. James loved Queen when I was pregnant with him. So last night I knew that was him telling me he’s still with me and things are good. I drove home rocking out to Bohemian Rhapsody. The sun was setting in soft pinks and purples; I was thrilled I wasn’t going to miss it. Dropping off my cream at the house, I walked down the street to the intersection, the best spot to capture the sunset. I captured some photos, but the magic of the few moments the sun hangs on the horizon never translates well to the screen. Still, I was happy I caught that moment myself.

So I wrap up a month of grief reflections, perhaps for the first time, with hope. Hope that my story may help another bereaved parent, that James’ lesson of love is still changing the world, that my future is still bright and full of potential adventures. Of course I would love to have James with me here in the flesh. But deep down I know his spirit was too bright to remain in this broken world. The work he is doing from the other world is beyond my comprehension – I can just feel it in my bones as I struggle to put into human words what he’s doing.

Thank you to everyone who is witnessing my journey. It’s full of grief and hope and twists and turns like I never imagined. But it helps me to walk each day knowing I have a community of people listening the best they can. But I have one request from you: Just because Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month is over, doesn’t mean I want to stop the conversation about James and other children who have died. Please keep them in your thoughts, help them guide your daily decisions, talk to me and other people about them. It means the world to me, and other parents of angels.

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